The Keys.

I get asked this question a lot.  How do you tactfully take away the car keys from your parents when you know they are no longer safe to be driving?

This can be a sticky issue, especially if it’s your father.  Because at least here in Texas, a man’s car is his horse.  And for many it’s there last perceived hope of independence.  In my experience, the best thing is to start by laying down some rules.

Maybe it’s getting then to agree to only drive during the daytime hours.   Or only within the local area.  I have one family that I worked with that restricted mom’s driving to only to certain known destinations like Wal-Mart and Church.

From, there, safety might become an issue if confronted with traffic tickets or a fender bender.  I had a lay that I worked with and her daughter could not convince her that the “red light cameras” had photographed her following behind a truck when the light had clearly changed to red.  She said that she was only following the big truck and could not see the stop light.  That’s a problem.  She could have been injured and perhaps someone else.  

The driving of an automobile is a big responsibility and knowing when one is no longer safe as a driver is key.  Often times when the curfews of driving only during the day or just to church are violated, it’s time for the family members to step in and act.  For most, a simple confrontation of breaking the rules, and realizing that you are putting others in danger are enough to turn the driving over to others.

But what is plan B?  If you take away their ability to drive, who will take them around to where they need to go?  If you have a teenager in the family, this might be a good way to let them earn money by taking Grandma around for errands and church.  They can use the driving practice and bonding time of driving Grandma and friends around may create some good memories.  Another idea might be to set them up with an account with Lyft or Uber.  Here in The Woodlands area, there are small little cottage industries that have started rides for seniors.  Some of the churches in the areas have Ride share programs as well to get older adults to doctor’s appointments and shopping.

But what do you do as a last resort if your loved one won’t hand over the keys?  The Sheriff’s department can be called in to do a welfare check and “be the bad guy” and tell them that they are not safe to drive.  They can get the keys and turn them over to you.  This is “one time” thing, so make sure when you do this, that you are in a position to take the car away and either sell it, or keep it at your house.

What to expect after that?  Be prepared to a few weeks of the cold shoulder, and make every accommodation to show them how to order a Lyft online or put the grandson’s cell phone on speed dial.    At first there will be a need to go everywhere, but this too will pass.

Giving up the car keys is a hard passage for most senior adults.  Man more than women.  I believe women adapt easier and like the idea of having someone take over the responsibility.  With your dad, it is going to be a harder transition.  Give it time.  What you are experiencing is the same as everyone else.